To put it eloquently, why don't you just shut the fuck up?

I don't like children. I know, I know. It's some kind of huge fucking sin to not like babies. Whatever, I don't give a shit. I'm 20 years old, and apparently, that's when my age group hits the "breed sow" age. Bitches have been blowing up my phone at EIGHT IN THE FUCKING MORNING to ask me to buy shit for their unborn maggot. Great deduction, Sherlock, but I'm not going to be buying your kid a damn thing. Why? I don't like you, I don't like your kid, I don't like any kids, I don't like going to stupid little baby showers and I AM NOT GOING TO DO IT. I'm not a terrible horrible person because I don't like your child enough to buy it shit- truthfully, I don't even like it enough to bother learning its name and gender. I don't really like pregnant women either- all they do is bitchbitchbitch or think that they're some magical mystical life giving unicorn, or the first person to EVER be pregnant with a child, like that's so fucking miraculous. Getting pregnant isn't some kind of fucking miracle. Every single woman in the history of ever (barring some medical disorder) can get pregnant. It's easy. All you have to do is spread your legs and let a guy nut inside you, instead of on your tramp stamp like you're probably used to. The really difficult bit is getting un-pregnant. Shots of Jack and falling down stairs can only do so much, but that might fail and in addition to spawning a little maggot baby of your very own you'll have a wee little retarded maggot baby! AWESOME! It's like SHIT. Why is being pregnant such a goal for other girls my age? I can't say that I'm in any real hurry to destroy my body, go through 9 months of horrors, then either have my vagina ripped to shreds or be gutted like a catfish only to have parasite ripped from betwixt thine supple thighs. If anything, shouldn't people be adopting? I'd go to an adoption shower far quicker than I'd go to a baby shower, because, say it with me folks, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES KIDS. Hell, I don't really give a shit about having kids of my own. I don't like them and don't want them! I'm not eager at fucking all to have a baby. I'd rather, you know, live out my life while I'm still young, you know? Go places without a stroller, eat at restaurants other than McDonalds. Go see an R-rated movie without a screaming brat, fly on a plane and be able to sleep quietly, sleep through the night in my own bed without interference, have shit where I want it to be in my house, without having to navigate a decapitated Barbie and GI Joe maze, and drive whatever the fuck kind of car I want to drive, without having to worry if it's safe enough for a fucking car seat. Oh, not to mention the fact that children cost an average of one million dollars before they even turn 18. Do you know what you can buy with a million dollars? A whole lot of stuff that would probably make me happier than a screaming slimy shit machine. ALSO- if you have a kid, and it dies of starvation or whatever, because you forgot to feed it, or it fries in an electrical outlet because it was playing with a fork, or the kid basically dies from anything but cancer- YOU CAN GO TO PRISON. Yes, you can go to jail if your baby dies. How un-fucking-fair is that? So lemme get this straight, if by some miracle I got pregnant, was unable to abort it, and then decided to keep it, and then it died, I'd go to jail? WELL WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T I KILL THE THING BEFORE IT WAS BORN, LIKE I FUCKING WANTED TO? Shit.




Long story short: shut the fuck up, I haven't seen you since highschool and I didn't really like you then, and I'm not coming to your fucking baby shower. I don't like children, and you can really stop blowing up my phone at 8am to ask me to buy you shit, because that's really all a baby shower is anyway.

Peculiar Sensations.

Do you ever hear people talk, and when they get done, you just start thinking “Please, never, ever, ever speak again. Seriously.”

“Well Spenser, what are you bringing to the class potluck?”

“Uh, I dunno. Toothpaste and a pack of ramen?”

“How about something green? We don’t have anything like that yet.”

“I could make brownies, but that’d be expensive.”

“Dude, hit that fucking turkey!”

“Nah, and give this car back with feathers all over it? What’s he gonna say? ‘Yo man, what’s all those feathers in the grill from?’”

“Yeah, that’s a fucking great idea.”

And I says to my doctor- you wanna know what I says to my doctor? I says to my doctor, I says, I don’t know where they came from or how they got there man, I just work up itchy and it started burning, ah I dunno man, I just don’t know, can’t you give me some cream or something for it? Ah, yeah. I swear man, this is the last time. Clear it up this one time and it’ll never happen again. Just give me some of those chalky pink pills and I swear it’ll be the last time I do a body shot out of a hookers pussy. And the doc says, ah, yeah.

I should start signing all my emails like this: $pen$er c; fuck bitche$, get money.

As you may or may not be aware, I have no piercings or tattoos. The reasons for this are many and varied; I feel it’s more unique to have no body modifications, because even infants get pierced ears, I find tattoos and piercings to typically be garish, and why would anyone in their right fucking mind willingly poke holes in their protective outer covering? I like being safe from microbes in the comfort of my skin. And how can you even tell where the needles have been? I don’t want AIDS man. Oh, and mostly I’m just a huge pussy who freaks out and cries at the very first sign of a needle. They just, you know, make me exceedingly uncomfortable and panicky. It’s something in the way they glint.

You know you’re a pothead when you drive though parking lots to get to the headshop from taco bell, and upon arriving at the headshop, you sit in your car for 15 minutes, staring into the windows, salivating over bongs while you clear out a triple layer nacho. You finish your meal and enter the store, where the clerks who know you by name then ask you if you enjoyed you taco bell. Do you remember that time? Or did I just tell a story?

If I didn’t think that naming bongs was stupid, I’d name my bong Cornelius Feldwick. He’d be a British scholar, and he’d be all like “You there, fill me with pot!” and I’d be like “No Cornelius, I have things to do today.”

You know that Oasis song? Champagne Supernova? You know where it’s all like “Slowly walking down the hall- faster than a cannon ball?” You know how high that motherfucker has to be? He’s SLOWLY WALKING down the hall- he’s not even running- and he’s STILL faster than a cannon ball. I can’t even. Wow.

(Also, this is my first blog from the bathroom! Woohoo!)

Why did the Cosmic Chicken cross the road? To create the universe!

Why did the Cosmic Chicken cross the road?

The universe is everything that ever is, was, or will be. It is infinitely vast, and mankind is infantile in his ignorance of it. In Stephen Hawking’s “Our Picture of the Universe,” he discusses the beginning of space, time, the universe, and existence. Hawking states that thousands of millions of years ago, the universe began to expand. This was, as he claims, the beginning of time and he implies that anything prior to this expanding simply doesn’t matter, because it can affect nothing afterwards (our Universe) and can be ignored. Contrary to this knowledge, is the belief in Creationism; the idea that a divine “super-being” created the universe. If the “big bang” is a cosmic egg expanding outward, where is the cosmic chicken? Creationists think that the chances of the universe randomly becoming so complexly structured without divine intervention and intelligent design is absolutely ludicrous. Jonathan Sarfati, in his essay titled “If God created the universe, then who created God?” gives his opinion on why he thinks God is the creator of the universe, asserting that God is the beginning of time, inhabiting eternity. Hawking states that the universe has a beginning expansion, anything before the beginning expansion does not matter, and that science and math can eventually give a complete description of the universe, while Sarfati is of the persuasion that God created the universe: God has and needs no cause or creator, and that man already has a complete picture of the universe’s beginnings as explained by scripture.

The very last line of “Our Picture of the Universe” is a perfect summarization of the goals of two groups: creationists and those believing in science. “And our goal is nothing less than a complete description of the universe we live in” (311). People that believe God created the universe and people that believe in the universe needing no creator are both racing towards the same finish line: to have a completely comprehensive picture of everything. Each group comes up with different ways to explain the origins of the universe and time. Describing quite literally every single thing that will ever be is a daunting task, and it seems most logical to start at the beginning; the beginning of time and the beginning of the universe. Was the universe always around, or does it have a definite beginning? Both authors agree that the universe definitely began. However, they disagree quite vehemently about how and why it began. Hawking states:

Hubble’s observations suggested that there was a time, called the big bang, when the universe was infinitesimally small and infinitely dense. Under such conditions all the laws of science, and therefore all ability to predict the future, would break down. If there were events earlier than this time, then they could not affect what happens at the present time. Their existence can be ignored because it would have no observational consequences. (307)

This is a statement that the universe needs no cause- it just is. In another interview, Hawking asserts that “Asking what came before the big bang is meaningless- it’s like asking what lies north of the North Pole.” Sarfati has an entirely different opinion on the subject- God did it. If the big bang was a cosmic egg exploding and expanding outward, surely there must be a cosmic chicken, and that cosmic chicken is God. Nothing can have a beginning without having a cause, and Sarfati thinks that:

‘If God doesn’t need a cause, why should the universe need a cause?’ In reply, Christians should use the following reasoning:

1.         Everything which has a beginning has a cause.

2.        The universe has a beginning.

3.        Therefore the universe has a cause. (1)

The two authors clearly have differing perceptions of the universe’s creation. Hawking knows that, if such a thing could even be defined, anything before the beginning of time could affect nothing after the beginning of time. Sarfati believes that since the universe began, it definitely has a cause, and that cause is Creation by God. “God, by definition, is the creator of the whole universe; he is the creator of time. Therefore He is not limited by the time dimension He created, so has no beginning in time—God is ‘the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity’ (Is. 57:15)” (1). This statement by Sarfati is in total contrast to Hawking’s view that nothing before the beginning of the universe matters because it can affect nothing.

                Another discrepancy between Hawking and Sarfati is the difference in what we do know about the universe. Hawking believes that science and humanity as a whole can and will eventually find out exactly how the universe began because it is our deepest desire as a species.

…A little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: “What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise.” The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, “What is the tortoise standing on?” “You’re very clever, young man, very clever,” said the old lady. “But its turtles all the way down!” Most people would find the picture of our universe as an infinite tower of tortoises rather ridiculous, but why do we think we know better? (301)

Hawking explains that humans are curious and want to know as much as they can about their origins, because, like the old lady says, who is to say that the universe isn’t supported by an infinite tower of tortoises? The Bible states “In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth” (Genesis 1:1). Sarfati feels that this is a complete picture of the origins of the universe- that God spoke the words, and the universe began. While Sarfati seems content to accept the Bible as primary source of information on the origins of the universe, Hawking wants to know more. He is working towards trying to figure out as much as he can about the origins of the universe, using math, physics and science. Trying to describe the entire universe in one fell swoop is exceedingly difficult.  “Instead, we break the problem up into bits and invent a number of partial theories. Each of these partial theories describes and predicts a limited class of observations” (309). Hawking is saying that right now, the science of humanity can’t quite comprehend the entire universe, but with each new discovery, it comes closer to finding out how the universe began. Sarfati thinks that all of the open ended theories to science all point to the same conclusion: God created the Universe.

…The first moment of time is the moment of God’s creative act and of creation’s simultaneous coming to be. … Some skeptics claim that all this analysis is tentative, because that is the nature of science. So this can’t be used to prove creation by God. Of course, skeptics can’t have it both ways: saying that the Bible is wrong because science has proved it so, but if science appears consistent with the Bible, then well, science is tentative anyway.” (2)

                It is important to note that Hawking doesn’t seem completely opposed to the idea of a deity creating the universe, saying:

One could still imagine that god created the universe at the instant of the big bang, or even afterwards in just such a way as to make it look as though it was created before the big bang. An expanding universe does not preclude a creator, but it does place limitations on when he might have carried out his job! (307)

Sarfati doesn’t seem as open-minded toward the opposing view as Hawking does. He seems to feel that there is one logical conclusion, and that science only helps to support the theory that God is the sole creator of the universe and the beginning of time.

Unfortunately they are too friendly towards the unscriptural ‘big bang’ theory with its billions of years of death, suffering and disease before Adam’s sin. But the above arguments are perfectly consistent with a recent creation in six consecutive normal days, as taught by Scripture. (2)

Both men can agree, however, that science can help to give a picture of the universe, but Sarfati believes absolutely that the origin of the universe is a supreme deity.

While the two authors disagree on most points, they both share a common theme: discussing the universe’s origins. While Sarfati thinks that God created the universe, as is evidenced by scripture and the empty spaces that science can’t quite seem to define; Hawking thinks that the universe needs no cause, because it is everything, and anything before everything is nothing of importance, but he doesn’t rule out the possibility of an intelligently designed universe. Both authors do an excellent job of elaborating on their points, while Hawking focuses more on examples and proven science, Sarfati chooses to use laymen’s metaphors to explain his claims. Hawking is perfectly content in not knowing what came before the existence of the universe, but Sarfati is convinced that the universe needs a cause, the only logical cause being God’s will. After all, a cosmic expanding egg must be laid by a cosmic chicken, but the logical answer is that a circle is infinite and needs no cause for beginning.

Works Cited

Sarfati, Jonathan. "If God created the universe, then who created God?". Creation Ministries International.  May 7 2010 .

Hawking, Stephen William. “Our Picture of the Universe.” Mercury Reader. Ed. Janice Neulib, Kathleen Shine Cain, Stephen Ruffus. Boston: Pearson Custom Publishing. 2008. 300- 311. Print.

The Bible. King James Version.

Hawking, Stephen. Interview. Richard and Judy. Channel 4, United Kingdom. October 2005.

I actually find Twilight strangely addicting, though still mind-bogglingly shitty.

An epic romance: star crossed lovers struggling to be together in a world where the odds are stacked against them. Bella Swan is a human; Edward Cullen is a vampire. She’s 17; he’s 106. How can their love survive? From the very first day Bella meets Edward, her world is changed. Edward is beautiful. He is tall, strong, and pale, like a living marble statue depicting a Greek god. Bella is plain, clumsy, and average. She has no personality whatsoever, but Edward loves her all the same. Her blood sings to him, and fills his throat with a painful fire. Edward can read minds - but Bella’s remains a mystery to him. Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer, is a wonderful book. It is filled with just the right amount of supernatural spookiness, pulse pounding action sequences, and heart shattering romance. While reading it, you’ll want to be Bella. You’ll want to feel Edward’s cool marble lips on yours, you’ll want your cheeks to blush with chagrin, you’ll even want your own vampire romance as you race through this mind shattering page turner. Stephanie is a modern literary genius, weaving a story that rivals the work of Charles Dickens and Ernest Hemingway. The characters she creates are so vivid- Edward, the 106 year old vampire, thirsting for the blood of a 17 year old girl. Why did he choose her? What could he see in a weak human? And Bella! Is she worthy of a beautiful, perfect, immortal super-being’s love? Read Twilight to find out. 

I need a good idea.

Today is a waste of a day. I have shit to do, but I’m entirely at the mercy of other people to accomplish it.

I stepped on a thumbtack today. That pretty much sucked dick in every possible way.

I’m listening to “Play That Funky Music White Boy” and for once, I really feel what James Brown means.

I wish I had a tree in my yard. I mean, I do, but the area around it isn’t grassy and good for sitting. It’s where we burn brush and other plant articles in the summer, and where the cats take shits, and people turn around over there so it’s partly gravelly and fuck man, I just want to sit under my tree. It’s that so much to ask?

Man, sometimes I feel stupid when I’m in the same outfit the only two times I ever meet a person. I always bet they’re thinking “Damn, doesn’t this bitch have different clothes?” I do have different clothes, but I haven’t seen you in like three weeks! How the fuck am I supposed to remember what I wore on what day I hung out with your ass? I am not writing out a laundry schedule. Wait. I bet they won’t even remember what I was wearing, because I definitely don’t remember what they had on.

Holy fucking shit, why do scabs itch so bad? That’s not even fair. You can’t scratch a scab- if you do, you’ll pick it off and the whole damn process starts again at square one: gaping wound, fresh scab, crusty scab (key itchiness phase!) scar. I hate that.

I put my hair into a pony tail with a pipe cleaner once. This is only worth mentioning because it had actually been used to clean pipes.

“Dude, fuck your bong.

“I would, but it’s too big. I’d fuck the downstem, but no one wants a resin-pussy.”

"I know, blah blah blah, hating the gays is bad!"
"No, I was gonna say 'Everyone else does it!'"

"It's ok to be racist. Black people had their chance. We've had black marriage for a long time, but not gay marriage!"

“I want to go on a murderous rampage.”

“Go kill Indians.”

“I would, but where am I going to get smallpox infected blankets?

“Why express yourself at all if it doesn't matter?”

“Why not?”

“Because there are more fun things to do. Because you can sleep instead. Million reasons why not.

“Then there are a million reasons why. However, one of those reasons doesn't have to "Because I care about it."”

“Dude, stay in your lane.”

“It don’t matter- cops know bitches can’t drive!”