To put it eloquently, why don't you just shut the fuck up?

I don't like children. I know, I know. It's some kind of huge fucking sin to not like babies. Whatever, I don't give a shit. I'm 20 years old, and apparently, that's when my age group hits the "breed sow" age. Bitches have been blowing up my phone at EIGHT IN THE FUCKING MORNING to ask me to buy shit for their unborn maggot. Great deduction, Sherlock, but I'm not going to be buying your kid a damn thing. Why? I don't like you, I don't like your kid, I don't like any kids, I don't like going to stupid little baby showers and I AM NOT GOING TO DO IT. I'm not a terrible horrible person because I don't like your child enough to buy it shit- truthfully, I don't even like it enough to bother learning its name and gender. I don't really like pregnant women either- all they do is bitchbitchbitch or think that they're some magical mystical life giving unicorn, or the first person to EVER be pregnant with a child, like that's so fucking miraculous. Getting pregnant isn't some kind of fucking miracle. Every single woman in the history of ever (barring some medical disorder) can get pregnant. It's easy. All you have to do is spread your legs and let a guy nut inside you, instead of on your tramp stamp like you're probably used to. The really difficult bit is getting un-pregnant. Shots of Jack and falling down stairs can only do so much, but that might fail and in addition to spawning a little maggot baby of your very own you'll have a wee little retarded maggot baby! AWESOME! It's like SHIT. Why is being pregnant such a goal for other girls my age? I can't say that I'm in any real hurry to destroy my body, go through 9 months of horrors, then either have my vagina ripped to shreds or be gutted like a catfish only to have parasite ripped from betwixt thine supple thighs. If anything, shouldn't people be adopting? I'd go to an adoption shower far quicker than I'd go to a baby shower, because, say it with me folks, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES KIDS. Hell, I don't really give a shit about having kids of my own. I don't like them and don't want them! I'm not eager at fucking all to have a baby. I'd rather, you know, live out my life while I'm still young, you know? Go places without a stroller, eat at restaurants other than McDonalds. Go see an R-rated movie without a screaming brat, fly on a plane and be able to sleep quietly, sleep through the night in my own bed without interference, have shit where I want it to be in my house, without having to navigate a decapitated Barbie and GI Joe maze, and drive whatever the fuck kind of car I want to drive, without having to worry if it's safe enough for a fucking car seat. Oh, not to mention the fact that children cost an average of one million dollars before they even turn 18. Do you know what you can buy with a million dollars? A whole lot of stuff that would probably make me happier than a screaming slimy shit machine. ALSO- if you have a kid, and it dies of starvation or whatever, because you forgot to feed it, or it fries in an electrical outlet because it was playing with a fork, or the kid basically dies from anything but cancer- YOU CAN GO TO PRISON. Yes, you can go to jail if your baby dies. How un-fucking-fair is that? So lemme get this straight, if by some miracle I got pregnant, was unable to abort it, and then decided to keep it, and then it died, I'd go to jail? WELL WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T I KILL THE THING BEFORE IT WAS BORN, LIKE I FUCKING WANTED TO? Shit.




Long story short: shut the fuck up, I haven't seen you since highschool and I didn't really like you then, and I'm not coming to your fucking baby shower. I don't like children, and you can really stop blowing up my phone at 8am to ask me to buy you shit, because that's really all a baby shower is anyway.