Introducing Herman Hiengelfurker.

I used to want to be an astronaut. And I’m still pissed that I’m not, but i was never good enough at math.

Maybe if they need someone who knows way too much about the Middle Ages and moonlights as a magician

all while writing hate mail to people under the guise of a German orthodontist then maybe I’ll get to be an astronaut. But that hasn't happened yet.

My best bud made cat yarn. What is cat yarn, you ask? Cat yarn is when your cat sheds and you collect it, twist it together, and make weird fuzzy bits of limp string. You can make money off it. Everyone has cat-fur you say? Yes, that may be true. But not this much.

NEW CHARACTER IDEA: Herman Hiengelfurker. Every time I’m a dick in real life, I can write about it under the name of Herman Hiengelfurker, and it will be all anonymous and cool and no one will think I’m an asshole, they will just think I’m creative! YES!

William Herman Hiengelfurker is a dick. A real dick. He’s also an orthodontist, because nothing is to be valued more than straight teeth and a white smile.

Today, Herman Hiengelfurker went to Sonic. They were hosting a classic car rally in the parking lot of said establishment, and the rally was full to the brim with Herman’s number one enemy- the elderly. Herman was irritated that he couldn’t find a place to pull in and order because it was so packed. So, what did Herman do? He was in a convertible with the top down, so he began loudly proclaiming how much he hated old people and thinks that they’re a leech on society. Oh, Herm.

Today, as Herman was driving home, an old person in a Chevy HHR pulled up behind him and began to follow him too closely for Herman’s comfort. Since H. Hiengelfurker was in a convertible, he and his friend synchronized flashing their middle fingers at the old man behind them. Oh, Herm.

Today, Herman Hiengelfurker went to Target. As he was driving his car into the parking lot past the doors, there were two extremely morbidly obese women and their fat little toddler taking far too long to cross the street into the store. However, instead of being patient, Herman Hiengelfurker decided to honk his horn at the two fatties until they got across the road. His only regret is that he didn’t have a beeping device, and that they weren’t backing up. Oh, Herm.

There is this dude in my class that talks WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH. An average of 15 minutes per class, which is 45 minutes of my life per week spent listening to war stories that I could honestly give a shit about. Ok, this guy, right? I call him Operation Iraqi Freedom, right? NO MATTER WHAT THE TOPIC IN CLASS IS: somehow his war time relates to it. Oh, you had a frozen dinner once? WELL ON THE FRONT LINES OF COUNTRY SERVIN' DUTY, WE EAT FROZEN DINNERS AND BLOW THE HEADS OFF OUR ENEMIES WITH A BIG ASS GUN CAUSE ITS AMERICA AND WE FIGHT TERRORISM. And apparently, this douche is a disabled vet, because he backs his GIANT ASS GAS WASTING VEHICLE (If anything, shouldn't veterans be the people that MOST understand the need for a fuel efficient vehicle to help reduce dependence on foreign oil?) INTO THE FRONT ROW RIGHT BY THE SCHOOL, IN A CRIPPLE SPACE, no less. So, Asshole in BIG CAR parks in Crippy-Space. And then, AND THEN as if to prove just how disabled he isn't, Asshole War Veteran lifts a backpack easily large enough to carry me comfortably (an adult!) and then strides down the hall to class. He also wears cut off muscle t-shirts to show his disgusting old man biceps with saggy wrinkled war tattoos. I hate this man so much.