Human beings will do anything for a rush. This can take the form of drugs, sex, fear and various thrill seeking activities. One such thrill seeking activity is the outdoor adventure sport of white-water rafting. Though it seems safer than some things, such as skydiving or shooting heroin, do not be fooled. White water rafting is a dangerous and foolhardy sport. However, while undertaking such a dangerous sport, steps can be taken to minimize risk of death by drowning. Always wear a helmet and life jacket, brace yourself into the raft, and don’t try to stand up in a moving current, should you be tossed unceremoniously from your craft. You can never be too cautious when faced with the raging beast that is a white-water river. While steps can be taken to minimize and prevent most horrific accidents, even the best preparations aren’t enough to prevent catastrophe.
Let’s take a look at a girl named Spenser. She went white water rafting, but, as an intelligent and gorgeous girl, she first took the time to research every possible aspect of her rafting trip. Spenser learned as much about rafting as she could- how to paddle properly, the different classes of rapids, the rafting company she was going with, even looked at images of the river. When she arrived at the rafting outpost, Spenser was prepared. She had a swim suit, shoes that would stay securely on her feet, her own safety helmet to prevent head lice and stranger dander, and a way to hold her car keys. Spenser was ready. After listening to a short safety seminar and riding a school bus to the raft drop off point, the rafting group pulled their inflatable blue boats into the water and began their journey. At first, the trip was peaceful as the large rafts floated down the gently meandering water. The sun was shining bright, the trees were green and the entire river was alive. It was a perfect day for enjoying water sports. As the boat approached the first rapid, Spenser’s river guide informed them that the name of this particular bit of white water was known as “Swimmer’s Rapid”—named so because it was gentle and lined with many smooth rocks, enabling swimmers in life jackets to float through unscathed. Spenser, being the beautiful and brave daredevil that she was, decided that she was going to jump off of the boat and into the water, to properly experience the river she’d been floating over. After holding her nose tightly to prevent fresh water amoebas from burrowing into her brain via the sinuses and killing her, Spenser tipped backwards and was submerged beneath the water. As she swam up, she began lightly paddling and floating down stream in a very leisurely manner.
Until her foot caught on a rock. Or, rather, what she thought was a rock. Spenser was suddenly and violently forced under the water- her life jacket and helmet being of no use to her. She flailed wildly and attempted to kick her legs and propel herself towards the surface, but alas, it was of no avail. Her feet were securely trapped beneath the murky brown waters of the river. Trying in vain to fight the current and keep her head above water for a few more seconds of precious air, Spenser saw a horrific sight- a giant fin. Where had this beast come from? Were there fresh-water sharks? Was this a long lost predator of the deep, landlocked since the last ice age? She could not be sure. What Spenser was sure of, however, was the fact that she had to act- and act fast. Remembering everything that she had learned watching this Discovery Channel, Spenser rightly presumed that this was a river monster.
Native to her area of Appalachia, flathead catfish have been known to reach lengths of more than five feet long and over 100 pounds; the majority of their bulk being lean, slender, powerful muscle. Spenser knew that she was no match for such a beast, should it come to an all-out catfish war. Lacking brute strength and general physical prowess to rival the river monster, Spenser was armed with only two things, excluding her helmet: her Batman car keys clipped to her pink bra strap (which she was wearing because it made her boobies look perky in a bathing suit.) and her super-human intelligence. Remembering a book once read at the library, Spenser quickly began to un-hook her car keys from her bra. Taking one key from each ring and placing them in her hands, she held the miniature serrated daggers at her sides, and like a true warrior of the deep, regained her composer and allowed the mutated fish-beast to swallow her feet and legs.
Soon, when the jaws of the monster had reached the keys at her sides, it continued to swallow. As the razor sharp keys ripped the fleshy mouth and throat out of the fish, Spenser kicked her legs free, swimming to the surface in a wave of blood, guts, tears and triumph. She immediately turned and swam to the nearest shore, stomping angrily downstream for a few minutes, she encountered the rest of her rafting troop. After yelling and flagging down her river guide, Spenser hopped into the boat and began to inform everyone of what had happened to her. She was hailed as a hero for ridding the river of such a horrendous, flesh-hungry monster and surviving to tell the tale.
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