Recipes.

These are recipes to my favorite things to make in the kitchen, even if they are lazy dips. No offense, but yours probably aren't going to come out as good as mine, because I mostly cook with a recipe in my head, and then taste my food about 8 times to make sure it's coming out alright. You should do the same. Experiment with flavors, but don't mix Jalepenos and chocolate, or any other weird combination. Keep it simple. You aren't Anthony Bourdain, so don't try it.


The chicken noodle soup recipe is not easy. I am warning you now. It's a few hours of hard work and waiting patiently. You probably won't get it right on the first try. I didn't.


Hummus
You will need a blender and a large spoon.
1 Lemon
2 Cloves of Garlic
1 Can of Chickpeas (Garbanzo Beans)
A dash of Olive Oil or Sesame Oil
Tahini (optional)


Drain the chickpeas well, and dump them into your blender. Crush the garlic, and add it to the blender. Squeeze in the juice of the lemon, add a dash of your oil. If you are using Tahini, add this now. Blend until smooth. If the mixture is dry, add more oil or a bit of water. Great when served with pita chips, carrots, or Naan. 


Chicken Tikka Masala
Plain Yogurt, enough to cover chicken.
1lb boneless chicken, cubed
1 8oz can of Tomato Paste
1 8oz can coconut milk, or 1 cup heavy cream.
1 whole onion, chopped, diced, however you like your onions.
Roughly 2 teaspoons each of:
Curry powder, coriander, cumin, lemon juice, cinnamon (very important!), ginger, garlic, salt, black pepper. Fresh spices are stronger than powdered ones, so if your spice comes from a can, you may want to add more.


Mix one teaspoon of each spice into a bowl with the yogurt. Cover your chicken in this and bake it at 350 until the chicken is done. The yogurt and spices will be sorta like a crust on the outside of the chicken.


Sautee the onions in olive or sesame oil, or butter, if you prefer. They should still be crisp, but not -too- crisp. A middle between soft and fresh.


Meanwhile, prepare your sauce. In a saucepan, whisk the following together:
Tomato paste, coconut milk or heavy cream, curry, coriander, cumin, cinnamon, ginger, garlic, salt, and black pepper. Cook over low heat to avoid burning and to allow the spices to make the sauce fragrant. Taste it, and if you want more spices, add them. I usually use way more curry, cinnamon and garlic than it says.


When the chicken is done, dump it into the sauce and stir it all together. Lay the sauteed onions on top.


Chicken tikka is great with naan, pita bread, or any kind of fragrant rice, such as Jasmine or wild rice. It is also good with a fork.




Chicken Noodle Soup, or, My Specialty and Favorite Food Ever.
This soup has a bit of a background, and is not for the faint of heart to attempt. It is bad for you. It is a lot of work. But it is also the most delicious thing you will ever put betwixt your supple lips.


When I was but a small, small child, my great grandmother on my Dad's side, Madge Elliot, used to make this soup for me. I would go over to her house and drink RC Cola and play on her slot machine that Grandpa kept on top of the fridge, and Grandma would fill the house up with the smell of boiling chicken soup. Sometimes (rarely) I would help with the kneading the dough, and she would slice the noodles into perfect little strips of delicious. 


When I got older and my grandma died, my dad took over cooking it. He was always really anal about the width of the noodles and it was very precise. Then, I turned about 16, and I learned to cook it. 


We all mostly use the same recipe when we make our soup, but I like my noodles to be fat, irregular and dumpling-like, whereas my dad always has skinny, precise noodles.


The ingredients are highly important, follow this closely.
(Makes enough noodles to eat for days, and with enough left over to freeze.)
1 whole chicken, bone-in.
5 cups all purpose flour- NOT SELF RISING OR YOU WILL FUCK UP SO BAD.
2 sticks butter
Salt, pepper
Roughly 1 dozen eggs, depending on how dry the noodle mix is
(I like to use 12 yolks and only 6 or so whites, because the yolks are richer. Save the whites though, you might need them to moisten up later)
Water
Chicken broth
Chicken cubes, if desired


Put the chicken in the biggest pot you have and cover it with water. Add in the chicken broth and cubes, and let that chicken start boiling. It'll take a while, so you'll have plenty of time to do your noodles, don't worry.


Homemade egg noodles may seem like a daunting task, but they are really fucking easy, actually.
Mix the flour and eggs and a pinch of salt in a bowl.  Get your hands dirty, and knead it all up into a fat, hard yellow ball. Keep mixing. You'll know when it's ready to be rolled out, I hope, because I have no way of describing it to you.


Dump a bunch of all purpose flour on some newspaper, or a cheesecloth, or countertop, or whatever you're gonna be using a rolling pin on. Spread it all over so that the dough ball doesn't stick to it. Rub some on your rolling pin too.


Roll out a big, flat circle. You big flat circle should be quite thin, but not thin enough that the dough is transparent and falls apart easily. But still very thin. These noodles swell to about double their current size when cooked.


Now that you have a big, flat circle, you've come to the part that always makes me and my dad get into an arguement! Take a smooth edged knife, I am not picky on if it is a filet knife or a pizza cutter, as long as it isn't serrated, and start slicing up your noodles to the desired width. I like my noodles on the thicker side, and I don't worry if they are different sizes, but my dad likes his noodles to be thin and even. It's up to you how you cut them. Hell, you could even do little designs, I don't care.


When the noodles are cut, start laying them on a plate or bowl somewhere to be used in just a second. When you're all done with that, go to the sink and dig the flour eggy goo mess out from your finger nails and arms. Now clean up all the flour goo that's all over your floor and counter. 


Go watch TV.


Come back.


Check your chicken. It should be done. If it's not, go watch some more TV.


Ok, this is assuming that the chicken is done. If not, you should probably watch TV again. I always find that a good movie helps, because this shit takes a while.


Chicken done? Great! Now, you gotta find a way to get that bad boy out of the pot WITHOUT DRAINING THE WATER! That's right! Find some way to dig out a whole chicken from a vat of boiling water without spilling it. You need that water. That water is your chicken stock, and oh man, you want it. You want it BAD.
Personally, I always end up getting someone to help me and using a series of tongs, spatulas, and colanders. Try not to splash boiling water on your face or spill it all down your shirt.


You now have a chicken in a bowl, I hope. I am sure you have noticed by now that the chicken is a bit on the hot side. Very fucking hot, in fact. Run it under some cold water, cause you're gonna have to pick it apart and I hate burning my fingers on chicken. Get as much meat as you can. Don't worry about organs or spines or anything like that, but I do prefer dark meat as well as white meat in my chicken soup. If you only like white meat, that's ok too. Just have good chicken soup sized chunks of chicken, or strips, or gobs, whatever. Just pick it apart. Cool. Throw the bones out (except the wishbone!) and let the freshly picked chicken bits sit there, and wash your hands off. 


Remember that boiling water that I told you was so super important to keeping? Now you'll see why. 
Heat it back up to boiling (it shouldn't have cooled down much) and start dropping in your noodles, one to two at a time. Stir them out of the way, and drop more in. Drop drop drop, stir, drop drop drop, stir. Etc. Continue doing that until you have a whole pot of noodles. If you need more water, add it, but add another chicken cube as well. 


Let the noodles boil for about 20 minutes, and go watch some TV.


Stop watching TV! Add the chicken to the noodle pot. You can dump it all in at once. Cover it, and let it simmer for about 20 more minutes. During the final 20 minutes, drop in the two sticks of butter and a few dashes of pepper. Yes, two WHOLE STICKS OF BUTTER. That's why I said it was bad for you.


Let it simmer just a little bit longer, until the butter is all melted, give the soup one more good stir, and eat it.
And, not to be gross, but it really is better if you let it sit on the stove overnight with a lid on. The broth thickens up.


Enjoy!




Chicken Parmeasean


1lb boneless, skinless chicken breasts, thawed.
2 eggs
1 cup of the powdered parmesean cheese that comes in a can
1 tablespoon garlic powder (again, the canned kind)
1 tablespoon oregano (the canned stuff still works best)
a dash of salt and a dash of pepper
1 cup flour


Mix the dry ingredients together in a bowl. Scramble the eggs up in another bowl. Dip the chicken into the egg, then in the flour mix, then in the egg, then in the flour mix. Make sure it's very well coated. Do that until all your chicken chunks are well breaded. 


Now, pop 'em in the oven. 350 until they're done. You can add extra grated cheese here if you'd like.


Now, for the sauce. You can either be lazy and use Ragu, or you can make your own sauce, using the following:
1 16oz can tomato paste
1 can of V8 ( I really love V8 in tomato sauce)
1 chopped bell pepper
1 onion
4 cloves garlic
1 tblspoon lemon juice
Parsley, oregano, and ciliantro (optional, because it tastes like soap), to taste. These can be fresh or dried.
Olive oil
Salt and pepper


Sautee in olive oil or boil your chopped onion and chopped bell pepper. Drain them well.
Add them into a pot with all the other stuff, stir it up, and let it simmer for a bit.


While that's simmering, you can also boil some dry or fresh noodles so that it's like Olive Garden, if you don't want to eat just chicken and sauce.




Your chicken is done, your sauce is done, and your noodles are al dente, so now you get to set it all up. This is one dish where presentation is important, so listen closely. Drain your noodles and stir them with a bit of olive oil so they don't turn into a clumpy shitty mess. Place a bed of noodles on a plate, add one peice of breaded chicken, and ladle some sauce over it, neatly. Now add a bit of shredded parmesean cheese and a large parsley leaf to garnish. Gorgeous!




Meatloaf


Meatloaf is fun to cook, and super easy.


1lb ground beef, thawed. I like lean ground beef or ground chuck myself, hamburger meat is nasty.
1 small pack of Ritz crackers, or half a large pack. You can also use half a pack of Saltines. Doesn't matter.
1 whole onion, chopped.
1 egg
2 cloves garlic
Plenty of Worcestshire sauce


1 brown gravy packet *you can also make your own gravy using a roux made from the beef drippings, but that's kinda hard to get exactly right, so just use the packet*


Mix it all up in a bowl, crushing the crackers. Leave some chopped onion out. Now, either press all the meat mix into a pan, or actually make a loaf and and lay it on a cookie sheet. Mash it up really well. Add the extra onions on top, and bake it at 375 until it's done. The meat will be brown and the onions will be crispy. 


Make the gravy.


When the meatloaf is done and you want to eat it, slice it carefully and then cover it in gravy.




Guacamole
2-4 avacados
Black pepper
4 cloves garlic
Half a lemon worth of juice
a few teaspoons of Olive Oil
salt


Mash the avacado, add everything in, mix it up.
If you like more avacado, add less olive oil. If you like a creamier dip, use more oil. 


Great on tortilla chips, any kind of mexican food, or toast.




Grilled Chicken
Whatever sort of chicken you want
Italian dressing
VINEGAR
Lemon pepper.


Mix vinegar and dressing. Marinade the chicken in it for an hour or so. Grill. 
As you grill, brush the chicken with marinade often. Shake lemon pepper on there to give it a nice crust.
If you want to be a purest, zest your own lemon and use cracked black pepper. It's better that way, but sometimes you just get lazy, you know?




Grilled Pizza
You can either use a frozen pizza like Tombstone (thinner crust, not deep dish) and just grill it, or you can make your own.
I highly advise using a premade thin/standard crust if you make your own. Making your own pizza dough to grill fucking sucks and it sticks and burns and shapes badly. Not worth it.


For making your own pizza, brush the bottom (grill side) with olive oil.
Add whatever you want, sauce or no sauce, gravy, sour cream, whatever. If you want pepperoni and cheese, add that. If you want chicken and avacado, add that.
It doesn't matter. Pineapple and jalepeno? That's ok too. Just be sure that whatever toppings you add are precooked- no raw chicken.


The important part is HOW you grill it. Make sure your coals are cool, not glowing orange, but not about to go out either.
Propane is stupid, so don't grill a pizza with it.


Place your pizza over the coals, and close the grill. Be sure to check it every now and then to make sure it doesn't burn on the bottom. Turn the pizza often to ensure even heating. It shouldn't take more than 15 minutes per pizza. You'll be able to tell when the toppings are done and the bottom is very, very slightly, blackened. The smoke and coals will give the pizza a really good flavor and texture.




Green Beans
Lots of green beans, strung and snapped
half a stick of butter
chicken broth


Put it all in a crock pot, not too much broth, just enough to cover the chicken. Let it cook for about 5 hours. Ta-da!




Spinach Dip
1 pound fresh or frozen spinach, if fresh, chop it up good, if frozen, buy it pre-chopped
Olive oil or butter
1 lb cream cheese
1 container sour cream
4 cloves garlic
1 small jar of artichoke hearts
Mozzerella or Parmeasean cheese, or both. It's up to you.


Sautee the spinach, garlic, and artichokes with olive oil or butter.
Soften the cream cheese in the microwave, and add it to an over safe baking dish that seems good for dips. Mix in the sour cream, and some of the cheese. Now add the spinach mixture, and stir the fuck out of it. Mix it well, make it creamy and delicious.
Flatten the top out with a spoon, cover it with cheese, and bake it at 350 for 15 minutes. Just enough to make it warm and goopy.


Now! Turn on the broiler and very carefully brown the cheese on top until it bubbles a bit.


Eat with pita bread, chips, or on pasta. 




7 layer dip
So easy, a caveman could do it.


1 can refried beans
lots of guacamole
lots of shredded cheddar cheese
1 jar of salsa
1 chopped onion
2 cups cooked white rice
1/2 cup shredded lettuce


Mix the white rice and some salsa together. Make that the bottom layer in a bowl. Next, add in the refried beans, then the guacamole. As you work towards the top of the pile, add your onions, lettuce, salsa, and cheese.


Shove it in the fridge until your stoner friends come over, then pull out a bag of tortilla chips.
Have an argument over whether or not it's really 7 layers, or only six because cheese doesn't count. 




Beef Stroganoff
1 package dry egg noodles, the wide flat, kind
1lb beef tips or 1lb ground beef. I like beef tips for this, personally. But it's your choice.
1 container of sour cream
1 pack of brown gravy
1 small can of beef broth, or beef cubes
2 cloves garlic
1 small onion


Boil the noodles, drain, set aside.


Saute the meat with the garlic and onions until done. Set aside.


Make your gravy.


In a large pot, add the meat, noodles, sour cream, beef broth, and gravy. Mix it all up. That wasn't so hard, now was it?




Cornbread
CAST IRON PAN. CAST IRON PAN. CAST IRON PAN. Get one from your grandma if you don't have one. Then go buy one when you get done.


4 cups self rising corn meal
2 eggs
1 cup buttermilk
3tblspoons of butter


I hope to hell you know how to use cast iron cookware for this. If not, don't even fucking bother and just make Jiffy mix. It's just as shitty as cornbread not cooked in cast iron.


In your cast iron pan, melt the butter on top of the stove, while preheating your oven to 400.
While the butter is melting, mix the eggs, corn meal, and buttermilk together.


Once the butter is melted, dump it all into the cast iron pan full of melted butter. Pop that bad bitch in the oven for about 25 minutes, and check on it. Once the edges are a crusty golden brown and the top has just started to get brown, it's probably done. If in doubt, let it cook another 5 minutes. 


Now, get a plate, and flip the pan upside down on to it. The butter should allow the cornbread to just slide right out. If not, you did it wrong or your pan wasn't seasoned. Not my problem.


Don't wash that cast iron pan in soap either. Your grandma will skin you if you do.




Shepards Pie
1 lb ground beef
4-5 cups mashed potato
1 cup corn
1 cup peas
1 cup carrots
1 chopped onion
Worcestshire sauce
Gravy packet (Man, I use a lot of gravy packets.)
Melted butter


Sautee everything but the mashed potatos and gravy.
Put it in a casserole dish in a flat layer of meat, carrots, onions, corn, and peas. On top of that, layer mashed potatoes. Brush the potatoes with butter.


Bake for 45 minutes at 400 degrees, checking often. You don't want to burn the potatoes.


Make gravy. Cover it in gravy. Eat.


And for the love of god, don't put cheese on it. We're not in fucking Nebraska.