Dolla dolla bill, y'all. Just the one.

Fuck this fucking dollar. Fuck it in it’s ass.

This one time, I went to the pawnshop. This in and of itself is fairly unremarkable seeing as I am an unemployed college student with too much stuff and too little cash. I went to the pawnshop because I had shit to sell. It was raining out. I grabbed my friend and she grabbed an umbrella, and together we carted a box of shit inside the store. That cheap motherfucker behind the counter offered me 30 dollars for ALL of it. I was like, yeah, fuck that, so we went back outside into the pouring rain with the same box of the same shit.

As I’m sloshing around trying to load the box back into the back of my car, a single one dollar bill fell out of my pocket and into the puddle of water below me.

I. Flipped.  Shit.

How fucking DARE that slip of paper get wet? Who the fuck does it think it is? George best-fucking-thing-he-ever-did-was-end-up-on-money Washington himself? I don’t fucking think so. Oh my god. I am not picking it up. No, I am not going to fucking pick that dollar up. It can lay there and be wet. See if I care. I’ll just.. no, I can’t just drive off and leave it there. It’s a dollar bill. It’s money. What would my dad say? I can hear it now.. "Back in my day gas was only a..." ugh, dad voice in my head. What if a homeless guy found it and bought food? No, I have to pick it up. BUT I DON’T WANT TO, IT’S FUCKING WET AND NASTY. WHY THE FUCK IS IT DIRTY? Fucking filthy pawnshop parking lot, they should really clean this mess up I swear I mean what if someone else’s money gets all fucking wet because of these assholes? I AM NOT PICKING UP THAT FUCKING DOLLAR. “Calm down dude, I’ll get the dollar.” No you fucking will not Lyra Barland, that is my goddamned dollar and I will not have you interfering right now. Just get in the car. Get. In. The. Car. I’ll deal with it.

FUCK YOU DOLLAR BILL, FUCK YOU.

And with that, I balled the dollar bill up into my fist, hurled it into the backseat of my car and drove away, tires squealing. Fucking wet nasty piece of shit, I should have just ripped the damn thing in half and been done with it.

Anyway, I was cleaning my car out today. And I found that dollar, still balled up in the wad of paper it dried in. So, being the mature adult that I am, I spent 15 minutes drawing dicks all over it and then spent it at a gas station. Revenge is sweet.