Shorts and longs.

Right now, I am not yet high. I have all the tools necessary, yet I have not taken a hit. My bowl is packed and my bong is full of ice. I have music on and video games at the ready. Why am I writing about not getting high instead of getting high? Well, dear Cornelius, because I am a pot head, and pot heads procrastinate. Not everything, and not all the time. But it happens. It always happens. I don’t even mean to procrastinate, put things off, be a little late to everyone else’s party. I mean, I didn’t even know there was a fucking party, much less that I was supposed to bring the beer. Shit. I do mean to be lazy sometimes.  And you know what? I don’t fucking care. If I want to get high and Google shit for an hour before playing my DS, I can. I can get high and go to class, or not go. It doesn’t matter. It’s not like I’m not gonna get shit done man. I’m just gonna go along at my own pace. That’s all. Maybe some people work well under pressure.

Dear Headmaster,

Yo. I just got your address out of a book. What’s with not sending me a letter yet? I’m 20 damn years old, and I’m still waiting on that owl-post. Most kids start at 11. Is there a night class or something I’m missing? I know I’m not your typical witch or wizard, but I’m still pretty magical. I’m smart and willing to learn. Can I bring my bong to Hogwarts? I can use my wand to light the dankity dank Professor Sprout grows down in the greenhouses. Yeah man. Yeah. I feel I need special magical training. Growth charms, auguamenti for cotton mouth.. ACCIO LIGHTER! All very useful for a stoner. Help a lady-bro out, man.

Sincerely, A stoner.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I’ll hit this bong

And then pass it to you

I’m glad my cactus doesn’t need much care. Seriously. I like plants, but I hate having to keep shit alive. Good thing I don’t want kids.

Sometimes I wish I said things like “thou” and “shall” and various other ye olde English phrases. Or a British accent. I just want everything I say to sound better by default.