These are pot-thoughts.

I used to spend my nights at the gas station. Yeah bitch, you wanna go back to my place? Fucking right I got a condom machine on the wall, I know how to have a good time. Spot me a quarter and meet me in the stall.

When I put on bronzer and lie in the sun, I sparkle like Edward Cullen. On this point, I have many mixed emotions.

Are you taking a survey? No, I just like the clip board.

Beat it with a stick. No, that’s a terrible idea.

There are too many dicks on the internet.

You can have all the ham in my giant pork fortress. Ham can be a wonderful experience.

Ow, just ripped off my pinky toe.

Her bloodstream can only be described as “creamy.”

Do the voice overs help you? Because I find them helpful.

I don’t really like moisture, or the word moist.

It irks me something chronic.

Do not beat-box Edgar Allen Poe.

Cheese in stuffed crust pizza comes in giant string cheese logs.

Baby pandas are even more fucked up on the Spanish channel.

I saw a fucking midget today. It was almost as tall as the mailbox it was getting mail from. And they even let the little guy drive. How cute.

I wigged out on the way to class. I was all high, right? And I saw a silver car with stuff on the roof in my rearview mirror, and I assumed it was a cop and that I was going to jail. So I pulled into a church parking lot for a little rest, you know? Fucking car drives by and guess what it is? A goddamned SUBARU OUTBACK. Those weren’t blue-lights, they were bike racks, and I’m a dumbass for getting pulled over by a Subaru.

Sometimes, the phrase “Freshly steamed and lightly sauced” describes the muncher more than the munchee... man.

I don’t know why people insist on naming inanimate objects. Bongs, cars, pipes, Frisbees, bikes, mopeds, basketballs. What the fuck ever. It could be a toaster and it still wouldn’t need a fucking name. You know why? BECAUSE IT CAN’T HEAR YOU ASSHOLE. IT’S NOT ALIVE.

I hate reading out loud in class. Reading for everyone is bad, but the listening to everyone else is worse. It’s not hard to read, and you’re at least 23 years old. Can you stop sounding out “inconsequential” like you’re trying to sound out “The black cat ran.” ? No? I didn’t think so Rain-man. Sit the fuck down.